The email pinged, a bright beacon of accomplishment in my otherwise dull afternoon. It was from my friend, Sarah, and it contained the news: her novel had been picked up by a prestigious literary agency. My heart, instead of swelling with joy for her, constricted into a painful knot of envy.

I’ve always been a writer. Not just a “I write in my spare time” kind of writer, but a “this is my life’s purpose” kind. Yet, despite years of drafting, revising, and submitting, my manuscript remained firmly in the “rejected” pile. Sarah, on the other hand, had achieved something I had always dreamt of. She was living the writer’s dream, and I felt like I was watching from the sidelines, a spectator in my own story.

This wasn’t the first time I’d felt this way. Sarah’s journey has been marked by successes that seem to effortlessly fall into her lap. Her blog garnered a huge following, her short stories were picked up by well-known publications, and now, this: a publishing contract. Meanwhile, I struggle with rejection after rejection, my confidence slowly eroding with each email.

So, the question arises: am I the literary asshole? Am I being a bad friend by feeling this way?

The answer, unfortunately, is complicated.

Jealousy is a natural human emotion. It’s a response to perceived threats to our self-esteem and our sense of worth. In this case, Sarah’s success feels like a reflection of my own perceived failures.

But it’s crucial to remember that envy doesn’t have to be destructive. It can be a powerful motivator, a catalyst for self-improvement. Instead of dwelling on the negative feelings, I can channel them into action. I can use Sarah’s success as inspiration, learn from her experience, and redouble my efforts.

This isn’t about competing with her or diminishing her achievements. It’s about using her success as a springboard to propel my own journey forward.

Ultimately, the key is to acknowledge the emotion, understand its root, and choose to react constructively. It’s about celebrating Sarah’s achievements while simultaneously working towards my own goals. It’s about recognizing that our journeys are unique, and there’s space for both of us to succeed.

So, am I the literary asshole? Maybe, but I’m also a writer with dreams and aspirations. And instead of letting jealousy consume me, I’m going to use it as fuel to keep writing, keep submitting, and keep striving for my own literary dream.